Vertical Inc. Weblog

I was going to post something responsible, maybe even something remotely related to publishing, but hey, it’s Friday. This is a hysterical pseudo-article on the state of the extremely perverted porn industry in Japan.

Via The Onion:

“Officials have already met with leaders of Japan’s $5.5 billion adult entertainment industry in an attempt to develop regulations that conform to some small standard of basic human decency. Attending the talks were the heads of several major studios, including WoundSexerCo, Maid Molest Universal, Innocent Schoolgirl Despoil Youngest Daughter Lips Plunder Incest Distribution, and Sunrise-Rape-Rape-Nihon.

The proposed new measures include a 50 percent reduction in live-eel anal insertions, and a requirement that portrayals of group sex involving seven or more individuals feature at least four human participants. Also under consideration is a zero-tolerance policy covering all “prurient uses” of colostomy bags.

In what may signal a chastening within the industry, leading film producer Golden Dawn Global issued a press release this week voicing its “humility and bewilderment” and offering to cease international distribution of its blockbuster series Pregnant Ladyboy Sodomized Facedown In The Rice Bowl, a 23-part epic that has reportedly left thousands of viewers feeling repulsed, defiled, and forever doubtful about the inherent goodness of mankind.

“I’ve seen about a million of these films, and each one is worse than the next,” Portugal’s José Randulfo told reporters after receiving treatment for dehydration, caustic chemical burns, and fractured ribs—the result of a 45-minute vomiting spell he suffered after renting Naughty Ginza Maids Drink Cocktail Of Refuse And Bile. “The doctors say it may take months before I remember what normal genitals look like, and even longer before I remember how they are intended to function.” ”

Click through to the Onion article for a list of highly probable-sounding porn production titles.

Ever wonder what Tokyo would look like if all the streets were ripped up and replaced with Astroturf and/or real grass? Us neither. But it does make for some nifty Photoshopped inventions. (click to enlarge)


More at Green Island (via Bouncing Red Ball)

Not that I blame the guy. It’s absurd that he tried to blame it on cold medicine because, c’mon, he looks like every drunk oyaji on the Yamanote line after hours.

This is a charming emoji (Japanese emoticon) conversation (with translation) from two iPhone users, posted on Gizmodo.

“So here’s Jason and I talking about our daily routines. My day goes something like this: morning set with egg and pillowy Japanese white bread, then onto a nice onigiri/sushi/beer lunch, a snack at MacDo, my evening meals I take in a steaming bowl with strawberry shortcake on the side, then, after my post-prandial cig, a quick visit to my man uptown, where a sack of money is exchanged for an intravenous ride on the white dragon (a cure for indigestion if anything). Sleep, glorious sleep.

Then Jason’s all like: yeah, I am awoken, weeping, by my Arab medical staff. After my morning feats of strength, I say goodbye to the wife and have breakfast, dining on monkey brains, cake (me too!) and beer. Then I rocket over to see what’s popping in the baby-changing area (over 18 not allowed), which also happens to be a handicapped bathroom. After some currency conversions and a quick check of my 3G signal strength (it is OK, and NEW), off come the suit and tie and on goes the bikini, when the real fun begins.”

The app is Typing Genius, and is available from the iTunes store.

Police found a massive stash of cannabis in a house that was ravaged by a fire last month in Gunma Prefecture in Japan.

From Japan Today:

“Police suspect the burned house was used to grow cannabis and are searching for those who regularly visited the location, the sources said.

According to a neighbor, the house had been shuttered all day long since around October 2007, and several people came in and out. These people told the neighboring residents they were involved in the recycling business. The house burned down on the morning of Jan 15, according to police.”

The police attempted to interview neighbors who witnessed the blaze, but they were too busy eating mac & cheese in green bowls and watching The Wizard of Oz on mute with Dark Side of the Moon blasting from the stereo.

The benchwarmer for a fire station in Nagoya was cooking a meal for his comrades when he was called out to respond to a call – and left the stove on, causing the station to catch fire.

From Yahoo news:

“Ten fire trucks from other stations put out the fire.
“We are an institute that should be in a position to educate people about fire, so we are extremely sorry that such an incident happened,” Hori said, adding that they would consider ordering-in for dinner from now on.”

As we reported before, bras for men are a hot-selling item. I was hoping for pics; this is even better.

Via Reuters.

Gotta love the intrepid reporter trying one on for himself. I think it looks quite sexy.

The Tokyo District Court ruled that 72-year-old manga artist Kazuo Umezu’s red-and-white-striped house does not interfere with the landscape, overruling complaints from neighbors.

From Mainichi Daily News:

“‘The coloring does catch the eye of those living around it, but it can’t be said it destroys the harmony of the landscape,’ the judge said.

Umezu, who listened to the ruling wearing a red-and-white horizontal striped tie, indicated he was happy with the decision.”

And you thought your neighbors were pushy. I’d love to live in a neighborhood that makes me think I’m in Candyland.

You’d think people would learn that some things are just not meant for human consumption.

From MSNBC:

“[Police official] Iwase said the seven men ordered sashimi and grilled blowfish testicles at the restaurant Monday night.

Shortly after, they developed limb paralysis and breathing trouble and started to lose consciousness — typical signs of blowfish poisoning — and were rushed to a hospital for treatment, Iwase said.

A 68-year-old diner remained hospitalized in critical condition with respiratory failure and two others, aged 55 and 69, were in serious condition, he said.”

With its sports venues cleared for the 2016 Olympics, Tokyo is eager to be the host city. However, this also means a clamp-down on organized crime and the sex trade, both of which Kabukicho, in Shinjuku, is famous for.

From The Guardian:

“A handful of clubs flout the law by dimming their lights and paying protection money to yakuza crime syndicates, but law-abiding owners say takings have plunged.

“The police crackdown has halved the number of customers here, and the recession isn’t helping,” says Hiroshi Iwamoto, a doorman at the topless Glamorous Lovers’ Cafe.

“I’ve been in Kabukicho a long time and I’d hate to see it change. This is where people come to make something of themselves.”

The facelift is being led by Renaissance Kabukicho, a network of public and private bodies.

“We don’t necessarily want to get rid of all of the local colour,” says Mitsuo Hirai, who leads the project at Shinjuku city hall.

“Of course we want to preserve the character of the place and strike a balance. If we can do that then it’s not going to do the Olympic bid any harm, although we were always determined to clean up Kabukicho and make it a place where people can walk around in safe and pleasant surroundings.”

Patrols of volunteers attempt to clamp down on dozens of touts who assail passers-by with descriptions of the delights, innocent or otherwise, that await them inside.”

Sounds like a job for the Shinjuku Shark.